


I'll Be A Better Man Today

by goatsongs



Series: Rusty Quill Letters [5]
Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Death, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, It's really sad but none of these tags, Mental Health Issues, Survivor Guilt, are not explored in depth, fuck Poseidon, there's always hope, zolf is a cleric of hope so, zolf is a sad sea dad, zolf misses sasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:07:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24463258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goatsongs/pseuds/goatsongs
Summary: Zolf is still trying to mourn his brother, and tries writing him a letter.Written post-RQG157.
Relationships: Feryn Smith & Zolf Smith, Poseidon & Zolf Smith, Sasha Racket & Zolf Smith
Series: Rusty Quill Letters [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762531
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	I'll Be A Better Man Today

Feryn, 

I’m sitting by the sea trying to write this, wishing I could just talk to your grave instead, wishing I could talk to you or see your face. I don’t have a picture of you and I’m starting to forget what you look like. The sound of your voice. And time has warped so much in my head, that the last day I saw you alive seems to be a million years away from me, but the moment I saw you pulled out of the rubble, dead, seems like it was barely moments ago. I struggle to remember your smile. But when I close my eyes, I can still see your expressionless face, grey and caked with dirt. The pain is as real as it always was. 

I’ve done you a disservice, brother. I spent my whole life until now trying to run away from you and from the guilt, hiding from the pain I caused to mum and dad. But I’d never considered that the real pain could lie beyond the anger at myself. 

~~ I wish you could know how much  ~~ I wish I could know you now, see you live the life you always were so sure you wanted. You were so happy, and I cut it short and ruined it for everyone. Not a day passes that I don’t regret not staying, not facing my fears and rebuilding a life for mum and dad, even if it would have been at my expense. I feel so much guilt and there’s a big part of me that ~~still thinks~~ still knows that I deserve it. For my foolishness and for my cheek. 

I’ve met a lot of people since you died. I looked for you in -, who saved my life and saved me in so many other ways. After I left him, I felt a bit like I’d lost you all over again. I met Poseidon, a bloody great help was he. I always imagine how you’d react to things. You’d have read right through me. I never believed in Poseidon, and he was actually pretty horrible as far as gods go. Then I met Sasha. 

Sasha  ~~ was  ~~ is the strongest, most incredible person I’ve ever met, and I will never have the words I need to describe her. And, well, it’s complicated. It’s all too complicated. But she got the life she deserved, Feryn, the life you should have had too. Happy, and at home. 

I don’t think that’s the kind of life I will ever have. I’ve seen all there is to see and more, and now I just want to lay my head on the same pillow ‘til I die, someplace peaceful, perhaps by the sea. I doubt I will ever have that. I’m too fucked, the world’s too fucked and if this infection don’t kill me then somethin’ else will. And when it comes maybe I’ll deserve it. And sleeping underground may not be as bad as I think it will be. I hope it was okay for you.  ~~ From my experience being underground is pure shite, always.  ~~

I lost both my legs (in different incidents) and broke the world once and now I’m trying to fix it. I joined the Harlequins, just like you. Well, for a bit, just like dad. And I wish I’d known how much you did for the world before it happened. I’m trying every day to redeem you, I’m trying to fix every single mistake I make and I keep making more and leaving death wherever I tread with my bloody metal legs. But I’m trying to accept that it’s not all bad. There’s a light at the end of this tunnel, and maybe it isn’t for me, but I’ll keep trying to reach it for you. For Sasha. For all the friends I’ve made and lost. 

This is really stupid. But. Bye Feryn. I’m sorry. 

**Author's Note:**

> *slaps Zolf's head* this bad boy can fit so much misplaced guilt in it. 
> 
> I took the title from I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young, which I incidently added to [my Zolf playlist.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ntu7e9kM9MHUNRLjbGAjh?si=-dVpSDrJQjqCEWZSEw4OKw)
> 
> Thank you again to Raps([@srapsodia](https://twitter.com/srapsodia)) for the sad prompt, and Oscar ([@oscarlovesthesea](https://twitter.com/oscarlovesthesea)) as always <3\. 
> 
> This is a prompt based collection, so plssssssss leave me a prompt [here](https://twitter.com/jimmymagma/status/1266452042610065411).


End file.
